May 26, 2010 in
COUNSELING with
I used to nearly puke when I was grading papers. In every class, there are always a few students who just don’t follow directions, and thus end up destroying their grade.
I am a firm teacher. I write down requirements in the syllabus and expect students to do exactly what I have asked them to do. But I am also clear. I go over instructions again and again and again, which of course never stops one or two students in every one of my classes from completely disregarding them. Students who do this simply cannot get a good grade in my classes.
A while ago I worked through a stack of final papers, and came to “one of those.” I could tell right away my syllabus had been at the bottom of this student’s reading list. I could also tell I was probably going to spend longer grading this mess than the student may have spent writing it. I dutifully graded the paper, slapping a D on it. But I did not do it happily. In fact, I did it with a sick feeling in my stomach. I realized this grade would probably cause this student to fail my class, which meant it would have to be repeated, which would mean a few thousand dollars on top of an already expensive education bill. I worried. I fretted. I played it over and over again in my mind. I looked for ways to grant a few more points without violating my conscience and being unfair to the students who had actually attempted to meet requirements. I lived under a dark cloud for several weeks, feeling upset and frustrated at this student for putting me in such a terrible position. Next time I saw this student I struggled to make eye contact, even though I had done nothing wrong. In the middle of this, I talked to a friend about how sick I was feeling about the whole situation.
“That’s because you are taking responsibility FOR these students, rather than simply being responsible TO them,” she said.
I dismissed her. “I’m a counselor. I know the difference. I’m not bearing this student’s burden, I’m just fretting over whether or not I did right by him.” A few hours later she shot me an email.
When I FEEL responsible FOR others: Continue Reading…
May 26, 2010 in
GODSTUFF, REFLECTIONS with
It has been too long since my last post. I decided in March to stop writing my blog in order to concentrate on the book I am writing. Unfortunately in the months since I stopped writing the blog, I have completed only the foreword to the book, and of course have done nothing with the blog. It is clear that if I don’t pull it together, I will never get my writing out to an audience. I seem to sabotage myself at every turn.
This is not to say that I have not done a ton of writing. My last post, in March, was “Dismissing Religion.” If you look at that post you’ll see that there’s a fairly lengthy comment below it from one “actualityjunkie.” I responded to his comment and we ended up kicking off a correspondence that continues to this day. This e-friendship has enriched my life in many ways and it is likely that many posts I put up in the coming weeks and months will either be snippets from some of those exchanges (I have secured his permission) or influenced heavily by them.
This back-and-forth has simultaneously shaken my faith and assured me of it. Continue Reading…
May 26, 2010 in
GODSTUFF with
7:18 pm. I think starting on my second day here, I started learning how to live here and not just to write about living here. Isn’t that what the struggle is all about? Learning how to not just write about, teach about, or talk about prayer, but to actually pray? I have found myself today beset by various distractions, but welcome to the real world. They will present themselves in legions every day and the opportunity in there is to somehow keep praying.
In my prayer hour before dinner, I found myself moving from wanting God’s assurance that I am loved, to naming and listing all the ways God has in fact loved me all my life. Of course I can choose not to see them, or not to acknowledge God is behind them, but if I choose either of those paths I need to seriously reconsider exactly why I am a theist in the first place. On the list:
- Christian parents who took me to church, where a spark was fanned into a flame
- Good friends who loved me dearly, despite my incapacity to see it, even in them (it’s not just God from who I have not felt love), and my continual desire for it to come in some idealized form that does not actually exist anywhere on this planet
- A brother who, though I despised him when we were young, would become my closest friend and confidante
- A dynamic friend who came into my life named Christy. My best friend became my wife.
- A fantastic education that made me into a certain kind of person and trained me to see clearly into others, even if I have been unable to see into myself with any clarity at all
- A job in the ministry where I found my calling and began to develop the speaking and writing gifts God gave me
- Three beautiful daughters who have taught me more about love and grace than I could ever otherwise know. Our connection and relationship could easily be a source of pain and chaos, but it is instead a constant source of love, happiness, and meaning.
- A sharp mind that I am able to use to serve others
Shall we leave it at that and simply say, “Etcetera”?
I have lived most of my life surrounded by love and blessings and yet have been largely unable to appreciate that I am loved and blessed. But in many ways I live a dream life and have more than I would have ever thought to ask for, had God been taking orders, when I was 12. (The Christian understanding of this is that God “is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we could ask or even imagine”). I look at all this and my mouth drops open, and I gasp, “God! Look at me! I’m living the dream!” To which God seems to reply, “You certainly are. Now whose dream do you think it was in the first place?” If this was God’s dream for me, then it was a good dream, and God dreamed it because he is good.
And that’s what I have already learned at Manresa. Not only that I live a blessed life, but that I live a blessed life because someone has blessed it. This someone, we call God. And he loves me.
May 26, 2010 in
GODSTUFF with
“God made the animals to do each what it likes, without sin. But he made man to do more than what he likes; namely, to do what he ought.” — Charles Kingsley
I know a ton of people — perhaps most Christians — who would “Amen” this and think it captures something very profound. But if it does, it is profound falsehood. I do not disagree that doing what we ought is important. What I disagree with is specifically what Kingsley says, which is that we were created for that reason. We cannot get anywhere in the spiritual life if we start with sloppy theology like this.
We were made not to obey a moral code, but to live in love. Adam and Eve were created for fellowship with God. There is no mention of morality or purity because when we are living in right relationship to God, those things take care of themselves. They are good things, but we cannot find God simply by being moral. If we start with God’s love, we have a good chance of ending with it. If we start from a purity code, we can’t get to love from there.
FAR BETTER:
“Most of us were taught that God would love us if and when we change. In fact, God loves you so that you can change. What empowers change, what makes you desirous of change is the experience of love. It is that inherent experience of love that becomes the engine of change. …we’ve been given an inferior message—that God loves me “when” I change (“moralism”). What that does is put it back on you. You’re back to “navel gazing” and you never succeed at that level. You are never holy enough, pure enough, refined enough, or loving enough. Whereas, when you fall into God’s mercy, when you fall into God’s great generosity, you find, seemingly from nowhere, this capacity to change. No one is more surprised than you are. You know it is a gift.” — Richard Rohr
We have to start somewhere. Why not start with God and God’s love, instead of with ourselves and our own efforts? If what we seek is God, then let us begin with God and trust that we cannot but end with God as well. Starting with ourselves can lead to nothing but increasing rigidity, moralism, and perfectionism, since you will necessarily end with magnified versions of whatever you start with. When we don’t think we’re good enough, we’ll live in constant guilt and self-deprecation. In the rare times we do think we’re good enough, we will be arrogant, prideful, and judgmental of others who are less perfect than we are. This is how beginning with morality actually leads to the opposite of spirituality.
There is no future along the path of religious moralism. Since it does not and cannot lead to God, why walk that path to begin with? The question, then, should not be, “How can I do better?” The question should be, “How can I experience the love of God and come to live in it?” That path will create truly moral people — the kind whose morality does not come attached to strings of perfectionism, judgmentalism, and pride.
May 24, 2010 in
GODSTUFF with
“We’re on a mission from God.”
Funny in a Blues Brothers movie. Not so funny when pastors and church leaders radiate that vibe. A friend called me from another state last night. She has recently been asked to take a staff position at her church. She has a strong, valid list of reasons why this is probably a bad idea. The problem is, she was having anxieties about going into the pastor’s office and turning down the offer. After all, he’s the pastor. He claims that this is what she should do and that this is a “God thing.” (Maybe I’ll blog later on how much I hate it when people say something is a “God thing.”) When someone says, “God told me thus and such,” how does a person respond to that? Isn’t that a great way to shut down opposition before it begins, the religious version of a preemptive strike using shock and awe?
I affirmed her reasons for not wanting to pursue this. I also told her I’d love to see her go into this meeting with confidence. Yes, her pastor is her pastor, and she should respect him. But does God stamp all the opinions of every pastor with his personal approval? My experience of pastoring is having a lot of moments of uncertainty. Isn’t that just part of life, even religious life? It’s certainly part of leadership, which can be defined as bringing clarity out of chaos. So what kind of person would I become if I started to think that all my opinions and all the directions I pursue in ministry came right from the hand of God? That hardly puts my congregation in a place where they have to take their own relationship with God seriously. After all, if I’m that close to God, if I know that much, if my opinions matter that much, then I can just tell them how to live and they can go out and live accordingly. It makes things simpler.
But in kind of an abusive, or at least exploitive, way. Is a hamburger more blessed if I say grace over it than if someone in my church does? Is someone in the hospital more likely to get well if I pray for them than if a layperson does? Are my opinions more likely to be stamped with God’s approval than the opinions of those in my congregation? Though I hope to listen to God, and learn what God sounds like, and though I hope God is redeeming my wisdom and judgment along with everything else in this world that is subject to him, certaintly I must remain open to what God is doing in others, mustn’t I? Do I have a right to simply tell someone what God’s will is for him or her? [Once upon a time a man did that. His name was Jim Jones. Of course there is never a shortage of Svengali's in the world, religious and otherwise]
I believe to do so is the height of arrogance (and I am not saying this pastor is necessarily doing that with my friend) and presumption. It cheapens God’s desire for closeness to individuals other than myself. It robs people of dignity, since it assumes that God will speak to someone else more directly about their life than he will speak to them.
In a sense, we pastors are on a mission from God. But so is everyone who seeks to please Him. A pastor’s job is to help identify and affirm the mysterious work God is doing inside every individual. We are never to presume we know what God is doing, or should do, inside another person, or to make someone else feel like we have the inside track on God’s plan for his/her life. God save me, save all of us pastors and spiritual leaders, from this kind of arrogance.
To my friend out of state, walk into that man’s office with confidence, give him your reasons, and know that if you both claim to be hearing from God, and yet you disagree with one another, it’s likely not God you’re hearing from at all. Perhaps God has chosen to let you make this decision on your own. Perhaps that happens more often than most Christians think. But whatever may be the case, remember this: Your pastor is on a mission from God. So are you.
