THE FALLEN CLERIC

We live in a world dominated by feelings. That wouldn’t be much of a problem, except that this feeling-dominated world thinks it’s rational. A feeling-dominated world that thinks it’s rational demeans the opinions of religious people because they are “irrational,” but it demeans those opinions for irrational reasons. Feeling-dominated people do not know how to think. Their feelings do not inform them when they (feelings) are not adequate for guiding a decision. Feelings nearly always disguise themselves as rationality.

Things are not as they are because suddenly millions of people decided to abandon rationality and embrace emotion as the standard on which to base decisions. Most would not even recognize that this is the state of things. But we are the society G.K. Chesterton warned us about in chapter 3 of Orthodoxy, which is entitled The Suicide of Thought.

For there is a great and possible peril to the human mind: a peril as practical as burglary. Against it religious authority was reared, rightly or wrongly, as a barrier. And against it something certainly must be reared as a barrier, if our race is to avoid ruin.

That peril is that the human intellect is free to destroy itself. Just as one generation could prevent the very existence of the next generation, by all entering a monastery or jumping into the sea, so one set of thinkers can in some degree prevent further thinking by teaching the next generation that there is no validity in any human thought. It is idle to talk always of the alternative of reason and faith. Reason is itself a matter of faith. It is an act of faith to assert that our thoughts have any relation to reality at all. If you are merely a skeptic, you must sooner or later ask yourself the question, “Why should ANYTHING go right; even observation and deduction? Why should not good logic be as misleading as bad logic? They are both movements in the brain of a bewildered ape?” The young skeptic says, “I have a right to think for myself.” But the old skeptic, the complete skeptic, says, “I have no right to think for myself. I have no right to think at all.”

There is a thought that stops thought. That is the only thought that ought to be stopped. That is the ultimate evil against which all religious authority was aimed. It only appears at the end of decadent ages like our own…

This skepticism about the mind and thinking began in our universities and students learned it from professors and then went out to become “culture creators” — those working in the fields of science, philosophy, literature, the arts, and other fields concerned with the nature of reality. “The revolution” occurred in this country in the 1960′s and 1970′s. It was during that time that “the thought that stops thought” became dominant. Once philosophers accepted the possibility that the human mind cannot accurately comprehend reality, it was a very quick step to complete subjectivism. If I cannot comprehend reality, then reality is for me whatever I experience it (or feel it) to be. Decisions therefore cannot be based on any objective reality, but only on my subjective experiences and feelings. I can have one “truth” for me, and you can have another totally opposite “truth” for you. Both can be true, because truth is individual. There is no truth that applies equally to everyone at all times and in all places. This philosophical thinking (that has probably already alienated most of my readers) produced our current ways of thinking and making moral decisions in America. And in my opinion, that is not a good thing.

As a pastor I speak all the time with people who are in a frightening position. They are charged with the responsibility of making rational decisions for their lives (doing what is “best”), and yet have almost no understanding of how feelings and rationality are different and how they guide us in different ways. The reason this is frightening is because decisions have consequences. This is one of the ways we know there is an objective reality that exists outside our own minds! Dallas Willard says that reality is best understood as what you run into when you make a wrong decision. In other words, every decision we make will have consequences (or, just as real, benefits) in the real world.

So what does a person mean when he says, “I’m deciding…” or “I’m trying to make a decision”? I would like to assume he means that he’s bringing rational thoughts to bear on a set of circumstances that he is seeking to understand better and will ultimately be required to act on. But this isn’t what most people mean when they say, “I’m deciding.” What most people mean is, “I’m trying to figure out how I feel about this.”

I spoke with a person today in this very position. She has to make a difficult decision that is going to create huge ripples in her life, no matter what she decides. Her problem is not that she’s having a hard time deciding — that would be expected given the gravity and difficulty of the decision. Her problem is that she keeps thinking she has decided when she in fact has not. She keeps mistaking “feeling” for “deciding.” She will say, “I have decided that this is what I’m going to do,” but what she actually means is, “This is how I feel.” And of course, since it’s a difficult decision, and feelings change frequently, she often feels differently within the hour. And then she gets confused and says, “What’s happening here? I thought I had decided this, but I guess not.”

She is expecting her decision to be reflected in her feelings. She thinks that deciding something will make her feel a certain way. When her “decision” doesn’t have a permanent effect on her feelings, she figures she must have not really decided at all. My friend is doing the right thing in making up her mind — in just deciding what is best and going for it. The problem is that a couple hours later, when her feelings are no longer on board, she mistakes her changed feelings for a changed decision. She says, “I had decided this, but now I’m not so sure.” What she should be saying is, “I decided this. I felt it at the time and I don’t feel it now, but either way, here’s what I’m going to do.”

Feelings do not have power to control our decisions unless we let them. And to allow feelings to control decisions is extremely foolish and begging for trouble. After all, we often feel things we should not feel: attraction to people other than our spouse; petty jealousies; unjustified anger; regrets over things we can’t change; self-deprecation, etc. These feelings are normal, but they are not rational — i.e., they are not in our best interests. If we go around acting on these feelings all the time, we will mess up our lives and the lives of many others in the process. In other words, we feel irrational feelings, but should not actually act on them.

My friend keeps getting the cart before the horse, and allowing her feelings to control her. She wakes up feeling a certain way and calls it a decision. Two hours later she’s feeling differently and so believes she must not have decided anything at all. And as long as she doesn’t understand the difference between feeling and deciding, this will in fact be true.

This is because the main way we know we have decided something is that we stop deciding. I may have deep anxiety over whether or not to purchase a certain vehicle, but at some point I make a decision. Once the decision is made, my feelings may continue waffling, but I follow through with whatever course of action I have decided on. I stop deciding. I choose to act regardless of what I may feel. If I base my decision on feelings, I stand a good chance of deciding wrongly. I also stand a good chance of deciding one way right now and then a different way 30 minutes from now when my feelings change. And of course my feelings WILL change.
One reason I’m struggling to decide in the first place is because my feelings keep changing! There is only one hope for me to get out of the way of my swinging feelings as they attempt to bat me every which way, and that is to make a decision and then stick to it, come what may.

Let’s suppose that a man is having deep anxiety about whether to propose to a woman. And let’s suppose that ultimately he decides to go ahead and do it. And let’s suppose that she says yes, but the next day he begins to have anxiety again. Was a decision actually made? Yes. Feelings do not have real consequences, but decisions do. This man is now engaged to be married not because he felt like getting engaged, but because he decided to propose and make it happen! The question is when he begins having anxiety, what does he do with it? He’s engaged and having anxiety. He was having this same anxiety yesterday, before he was engaged. Is he now to assume that his anxiety is a sign that he should not have proposed? Of course not, because if he assumes that and breaks off the engagement, it’s only a matter of time until the pendulum will swing back the other way and he will again feel calm and assured about being engaged. Only now his potential bride may not share his enthusiasm. His best bet is to stay the course, unless new evidence can be brought forward showing that his decision to propose was premature or foolish.

Getting back to my friend, she would make a decision, but when her feelings changed a few hours later, she would wonder, “Why do I feel this way? I thought I made a decision.” She expected her decision to put a stop to the pendulum swing of emotions. The truth is that decisions don’t stop the pendulum swing, decisions just help us to not be knocked over by our emotions any more. As long as she continued to be knocked over by her emotions, she had not in fact decided anything at all but was basing her “decision” solely on emotion. When we do that, we will ultimately “decide” not based on what is rational and in our best interest, but based on whatever emotion feels strongest, or on the flip of a coin when we get to where we can’t bear to be kicked around by our emotions any longer.

A decision is something that keeps us from acting on the random, irrational, and willy nilly cues we get from our feelings. It’s okay for decisions to be informed by feelings, but decisions should not be based on them. In order to understand this, we must understand what we can reasonably expect from both feelings and decisions.

We can expect our feelings to be a gut-level guide to things that may or may not be best for us. Sometimes we get uncomfortable in situations it’s best we avoid. But we must bring rationality to bear on this, for we often get uncomfortable because of our background, lack of familiarity with certain situations, or even because of skills we lack in dealing appropriately. We should not discount our feelings, but nor should we crown them king. We can be grateful when feelings feel good and enjoy it while it lasts. We can, and should, use those good times to prepare ourselves mentally for the swing, because no good feeling will last forever. I repeat, NO good feeling will last forever. This includes romantic good feelings, physical good feelings, spiritual good feelings, sexual good feelings, financial good feelings, and any other good feeling you can think of. None of them will last forever, so we should enjoy them while they last, and expect that they will eventually pass. Sooner or later, they all do. The one thing we should never do is suspect that, when our feelings change from good to bad, we should reverse a decision we made when things felt better. This is almost always the wrong thing to do, and almost always for the wrong reasons.

What of decisions? What can we expect from them? We can expect decisions to be our guides and things we can base our future on. As I said earlier, it’s okay to take feelings into account when we make decisions, but we should never base decisions on feelings or allow changing feelings to cause us to question whether we made a right decision. Ultimately, we can expect our decisions to serve as containers for our feelings. Nearly twenty years ago I made a decision to marry my wife Christy. That decision has served as a container for a lot of feelings for me since then. Because of that decision I have experienced feelings of love, of desire, of anger and frustration, joy, peace, security, and fear. All those emotions and more have come out of a decision I made to enter into a marriage relationship with Christy. Our decisions guide and direct our emotions and create proper boundaries for them. This is essential, because our emotions don’t know any boundaries. You may be a married man having feelings for a single young girl in your office. You will either make some decisions that will contain those feelings up front, or they will eventually dominate you and ruin your marriage and your life. You may be a middle-aged woman having strong feelings of dissatisfaction with what your life has become. You will either make some decisions about healthy ways you will express and channel that dissatisfaction, or it will eventually dominate you and have potentially disastrous consequences in your life. You may be a young graduate, eager to climb the corporate ladder and make money. You will either make some decisions about healthy ways you will express your desire for success or that desire will overtake your life and lead you down some destructive paths. You may be angry at your neighbor for something he said or did. You need to make some decisions about what to do with that anger or it will eat you up and possibly have far more negative consequences in the life of your neighbor than you intend right now. Decisions are the containers for emotions.

Our decisions are meant to guide and direct our emotions, which have no inherent boundaries and recognize no stopping point. What’s the emotional stopping point for the man who has a crush on this young girl? Sex with her in her apartment or in some hotel — his marriage and family be damned. And then sex with her again and again and again until he gets caught (leaving him devastated), or she cuts off the relationship (leaving him devastated), or some other awful consequence brings it to a close (leaving him devastated). In other words, the emotional stopping point is not to stop. I’ll leave you to work through the rest of my examples and ask that question and answer it on your own for each.

People are in chaos because they allow emotions to control decisions, and allow decisions to be directed and undone by emotions. Until we realize the unique place of both decision and emotion, and allow each to do in our lives what it is meant to do, we can have no firm foundation for living. That’s why religion is essential in human life. Religion does not tell us how to feel, but what to do – in other words, what decisions to make that will serve as containers for healthy emotions throughout life. For example, the Bible tells us to avoid adulterous relationships. If we disregard that we will develop attachments (emotional and/or sexual connections — feelings) to people that have no possible legitimate expression and will cause frustration, resentment, and pain.

It is my opinion that Jesus, because he was God, knew and understood human nature better than any other religious teacher the world has ever known. His teachings were based on this incredible comprehension of people and therefore he was best able to direct us to the decisions and behaviors that will serve as healthy containers and expressions for emotions in our lives. This is true without having said a word about Christ’s death on the cross and our need for a Savior. I believe the person who follows Christ’s teachings will live a better life whether they ever follow Jesus as their forgiver and leader or not. But millions of people who have made that commitment are living chaotic lives because
they do not understand how to make correct decisions for their lives. It is my hope that, at the very least, those who claim to follow the God who conceived and gave birth to reality as we know it will commit themselves to basing decisions for their lives on belief in, and our best understanding of, that reality; not merely on feelings, whims, and ideals.

Originally posted 2007-10-29 19:06:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

One of the secrets of life is to be honestly who you are. Who others want you to be, who you used to be, and who you may some day become … these are fantasies. To be honestly who you are is to give up your illusions and face today with courage.
– Bill Purdin

I have been going to counseling for about six months now. I went in for a few tweaks and recently realized that what is needed is an overhaul. Had I known six months ago the things I now know about myself, I think I’d have maybe refrained from ever going in the first place. That is not to say I regret going. I believe we have to know ourselves as well as possible.

It helps me understand a little bit about why people often do not seek counseling in the first place. They are afraid of the exact situation in which I now find myself — finding out they are not the person they thought they were in essential ways; and that the reality of who they are is hard to take.

But this is better than not knowing, isn’t it? (continue reading…)

Originally posted 2009-03-01 21:55:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Do you have a bad case of “the shoulds”?

One of the most common questions I hear in the ministry and in counseling is, “How do I get (insert person’s name) to (insert activity or insight).”  For example, “How do I get my brother to start making better dating choices?”  Or, “How do I get my dad to get the help he needs?”  Or, “How do I get my teacher to see how hard I worked on this project?”  Or, “How do I get my mom to quit smoking?”

The short answer to all of these: (continue reading…)

Originally posted 2009-09-16 09:04:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

I used to nearly puke when I was grading papers.  In every class, there are always a few students who just don’t follow directions, and thus end up destroying their grade.

I am a firm teacher.  I write down requirements in the syllabus and expect students to do exactly what I have asked them to do.  But I am also clear.  I go over instructions again and again and again, which of course never stops one or two students in every one of my classes from completely disregarding them.  Students who do this simply cannot get a good grade in my classes.

A while ago I worked through a stack of final papers, and came to “one of those.”  I could tell right away my syllabus had been at the bottom of this student’s reading list.  I could also tell I was probably going to spend longer grading this mess than the student may have spent writing it.  I dutifully graded the paper, slapping a D on it.  But I did not do it happily. In fact, I did it with a sick feeling in my stomach.  I realized this grade would probably cause this student to fail my class, which meant it would have to be repeated, which would mean a few thousand dollars on top of an already expensive education bill.  I worried.  I fretted.  I played it over and over again in my mind.  I looked for ways to grant a few more points without violating my conscience and being unfair to the students who had actually attempted to meet requirements.  I lived under a dark cloud for several weeks, feeling upset and frustrated at this student for putting me in such a terrible position.  Next time I saw this student I struggled to make eye contact, even though I had done nothing wrong.  In the middle of this, I talked to a friend about how sick I was feeling about the whole situation.

“That’s because you are taking responsibility FOR these students, rather than simply being responsible TO them,” she said.

I dismissed her.  “I’m a counselor.  I know the difference.  I’m not bearing this student’s burden, I’m just fretting over whether or not I did right by him.”  A few hours later she shot me an email.

When I FEEL responsible FOR others: (continue reading…)

Originally posted 2009-11-11 17:07:33. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

photo by csft via Flickr

I was wondering today what is it that accounts for the fact that almost without exception every pastor wrestles with the size of his/her church. I don’t know a single one (including myself) who doesn’t go home feeling elated on days when a lot of people are there, and depressed if attendance is low. I also don’t know a single one who doesn’t hate that fact about him/herself.

Today I realized why this is an issue. We can say whatever we want about how “our culture says this and that” about success and popularity, but the problem is not the culture. Pastors, do you hear me? The problem is not the culture. The problem is the extent to which we pastors have swallowed it. That’s our responsibility. Could you drink a glass of water, swish it around in your mouth, and hope to keep one particular tooth from getting wet? Of course not. When we pastors sit and talk about how much pull the culture has on us regarding our attendance, what we must realize is that that is only one small area where the culture holds sway over us. If it didn’t largely hold sway everywhere, it would not hold sway in this one area. This particular tooth is getting wet because we’re swishing the culture around and of course it’s going to affect absolutely everything.

And of course our “solution” is the same for this as it typically is for everything else. Try harder. Acknowledge the pull of the culture. Pray about it. Try to somehow talk yourself out of being at the end of this ridiculous chain that bounces up and down every week (if my church is full, I feel great about myself — if it is empty, I feel lousy about myself). But pastors, you know exactly what I know in this regard — that does not work. It simply does not work. (Neither does any of the rest of the “just try harder to deal with such and such” advice we give to our parishioners.) Just like we pastors are at the mercy of the culture when it comes to our feelings of self-worth in our church, so our people are at the mercy of the culture when it comes to many things in their lives.

Therefore, pastors, there is really only one thing we can do. That is, if we’d actually like to do something that works. I mean, of course we can redouble our efforts, right? That’s what we’ve been doing the last ten or twenty years, and we’re still as depressed by low numbers (whether in attendance or offerings) now as we were ten or twenty years ago, aren’t we? Be honest! So barring more repetition of what doesn’t work, there’s only one thing to do, and that is engage in practices that will begin to give the entire culture the old heave-ho in our lives that it deserves. Jesus specifically said we are not to seek out positions of power or prominence, and we know this, but it conflicts drastically with the Western male drive to climb the ladder and be successful. (Since most pastors are still men, this is a big problem.) We cannot live according to the dictates of our culture in nearly all ways, and then expect to be able to reject the dictates that apply to our jobs and congregations.

The Apostle James declared that the person who is able to control the tongue is a nearly perfect person — able to keep his whole body in check. His point, of course, was that that is how hard it is to control the tongue. It’s the last thing to be tamed and when you’ve tamed it, you’ve probably arrived. Likewise with our acquiescence to the culture around us. When we get to where we are no longer significantly troubled by fluctuating numbers in our churches, that will be a sign that we have rejected the culture almost completely and are listening exclusively to the voice of Jesus, getting our feelings of adequacy and acceptance from him only.

Is it possible, pastors, that this is one of the main gifts we have to give to our congregations? After all, they — like us — are each called to a cross; to the narrow way of suffering and letting go of ego (“flesh,” “self,” etc.) So are you tapping into another value system? Are you learning to live in the present moment with God, where you are fully accepted and loved at every instant? Are you coming more and more to identify with the suffering and powerlessness of God? Or are you continuing to hope against hope that you can simply “not let the numbers bother” you? Time for us to get honest, my brothers — and sisters. It does bother us, and very deeply at that. Let this be a sign to us that what we have been doing isn’t working, and that more of what doesn’t work is not what we need.

Let us stop fighting and striving and let us — perhaps some for the first time — embrace our powerlessness. For God is in our lack of power, not simply in order to turn around and make us strong again, but to be present to us and assure us that — like we say all the time but don’t usually believe — he truly is enough for us, and his grace is made perfect not in strength, but in weakness.

QUESTIONS FOR PASTORS: Are you sick of being “on the chain?” What can be done about it other than more of what doesn’t work? How do we embrace powerlessness?

QUESTIONS FOR NON-PASTORS: What has control over your emotions? What keeps you from finding your worth and confidence in God? How do you embrace powerlessness in that area of your life?