September 15, 2011 in
COUNSELING with
In my previous post I said the only two guidelines for sex in a marriage relationship are 1) it should not exploit or humiliate anyone; and 2) it should not involve anyone except the two partners (including vicariously through pornography). That post, as I expected, had very high readership, but no one asked me why use of pornography should not be included in a sexual relationship. I’m guessing a lot of people who read this disagreed with that, or at least wondered what harm there is in it.
I want to be clear that I mean it when I say a couple has a right to do absolutely anything they want to in the bedroom, and if you and your partner use pornography, far be it from me to say you do not or should not have that choice. But that does not mean it is necessarily a good choice. I know a lot of times people bring this into the relationship to spice it up, to add variety, to heighten the excitement. Notice anything? There’s nothing wrong with any of those things! Spice, variety, and excitement are critical parts of a healthy sexual relationship.
But I have several reasons for believing that use of pornography in marital sex (actually, in any sex where partners are concerned for one another’s well-being) is ill-advised.
I’ll only cover one in this post, and that is that it carries so much potential for the humiliation and exploitation that have no business in the bedroom. Couples are rarely perfectly matched when it comes to levels of adventurousness with sex. When one partner first brings up using porn, the other partner will frequently be less than excited about it. But assuming the less enthusiastic partner really cares about the one who wants to use porn, they can often be quickly and easily talked into it. This is especially true when it is the man who wants to use it and the woman who does not (which is usually the case).
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September 13, 2011 in
COUNSELING with
[My middle daughter, Kyra, and I are continuing our commitment to blog all the way through the alphabet. Rather than lasting 26 days, we're going on almost a year now, but we're gonna get it done.]
I predict almost no one is going to care about how long this post is.
Here are the main things I want engaged couples to know about sex before they are married. I’m sure there are a lot of married couples who never had good premarital counseling that need to hear some of this too.
1. Research shows that married couples report better sex lives than non-married couples. The lesson? If you’re already having sex before you’re married (and let’s face it, the overwhelming percentage of couples are), it’ll probably just keep getting better. If you’re not having sex before you’re married, you’re almost definitely not missing the best part of it.
2. George Michael said it best — “Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it’s one on one.” All of that is true. If you experience sex as unnatural, or not fun, get help. It’s not natural to experience sex as unnatural! You may have picked up some fears or inhibitions along the way that you need to shed. Most importantly, keep sex one on one — between you and your partner. Don’t bring third parties into it; not in real life, and not by means of pornography. The reason for this is that,
3. Sex should remain rooted not in fantasy, but in reality. The temptation in all of life is to always be trying to escape the present moment (either actually or in our imaginations) to get to some perceived other and more pleasant moment. But the key to lasting happiness in all of life, including sex, is to resist this “grass it always greener” flight into other moments, and learn to invest yourself fully in whatever moment you are in. Spend way less energy fantasizing that you are having sex with Ryan Gosling or Mila Kunis, and way more energy on appreciating the awesomeness of the being you are actually with. Focus fully on that person — sight, smell, taste, touch, sound — breathe them in. Allow the real-life person in bed with you to BE your fantasy — the one you are thinking about and seeing yourself with.
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